Pornography is any form of media created to arouse the user sexually, especially such media that is distributed commercially. At this time, pornography is multimillion dollar industry. Since pornography’s migration from magazines and videos to a digital format, it is readily accessible, easily kept private and anonymous.
Women at times view porn, yet men are still by far the biggest users. Unfortunately, pornography use can impact marital intimacy in significant ways.
Signs that pornography is damaging your marriage
Pornography is the number one temptation facing most adult men. If allowed to fester in our lives, porn slowly erodes not only our rational senses but our very souls. A marriage is diseased when outside sexual influences work their way into it, and as those influences progress, the marriage falls deeper and deeper into despair.
This is a difficult topic for us to talk about. It’s one of those things that we just keep silent. But the reason of this article is to teach us to strive to become better men. Something as treacherous as pornography undermines everything we try to achieve as husbands and fathers. With that in mind, let’s focus on the effects of porn on marriage.
True passion is nullified
Great marital sex has to do with the genuine passion built up between two people in love, connecting in the highest physical form of intimacy. This is difficult to achieve even without porn introduced into the equation. Children, stress, and business all take their toll on genuine passion. Pornography will outright destroy it. In studies, many women will say they don’t feel that their porn-addicted husbands are truly present when they make love.
Ridiculous expectations
When we fill our minds with the false images of porn, we naturally take those expectations with us to the bedroom. This leads to disappointment for the husband and a wife with a wrecked self-esteem.
The loss of trust and intimacy
Most, if not all, wives (if they are being honest), consider their husband viewing pornography as cheating. Another woman, even just her image, has been introduced into your relationship and she now has to compete with it. Continual viewing of porn will erode the trust built in your marriage until it is gone completely. Meanwhile, the ability to actually feel intimacy together will wear away at the exact same pace as the trust.
Creates shame and emptiness
A husband addicted to porn will justify his actions to himself. He’ll find blame to place on his wife or his life but what he’s really trying to cover up is the shame he’s feeling. The best way to explain this is to imagine the best sex ever had with your wife and the euphoria that accompanied it afterward. Porn has no chance of ever producing that feeling. It’s not real and it leaves only shame and emptiness after the fact.
Progressively worse and unsatisfying
Addictions all work the same way. As they progress, you need more and intensified versions of your addiction. In time, no matter how much is consumed, that satisfied feeling felt in the beginning can never be reached. A porn addict is no different than a drug addict; in that they are both desperately trying to find that high that keeps eluding them. In the end, the addict will either seek help or watch his life fall apart piece by piece. There is hope in the resiliency of the soul. For the sake of all involved, shut the porn down.
Seek help.
Counselors believe that Pornography can lower the sense of self-esteem and self-worth of the wife because she may compare herself to the women that her husband is viewing on the screen.” She sees it as a slippery slope to addiction. It may also lead to “an increase in the progression of rougher or more deviant sex.” This contributes to the husband becoming more focused on his needs and not those of his wife.
All of the experts agree that a detachment of emotion during sex, and detachment from the relationship as a whole, is very dangerous to the viability of the marriage. “Pornography is a poor substitute for the bonding version of sex. The vulnerability is removed in pornography, and that makes it too simplistic to produce the security and bonding that are a significant part of the physical interaction of a couple.
Men may become “impatient” or “impersonal” during sex, ignore needed foreplay or day to day flirtations that lead to sex.
These are “powerfully connecting moments in couple’s lives” that should not be taken for granted. Men are at particular risk for using sex as a substitute for having to use emotional skills they are unsure of or uncomfortable with and porn reinforces that.
Should you view porn with your partner to please them?
This is not a case of, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” That does not work to solve this issue. Wives who regularly view porn with their husbands because they believe it will make their husbands happy will suffer negative consequences. They generally feel “sadness, betrayal, rejection, resentment, distrusting, used, not good enough,” according to Lacy, a professional counselor, and cautions that this should not become a repetitive habit in the marriage. Taylor sees in his practice that women are often willing to “spice up” the relationship but do not want to use porn as a “simplistic substitute.” He thinks that “experimenting” is understandable, but where there is potential for addiction, “pleasing can reinforce or excuse avoidant or abusive dynamics.”
What to do if porn is a problem
Wives need to be assertive. If it seems like a minor problem, the wife should “discuss how she feels unimportant, degraded, disconnected or lonely and help him tune back into her core needs for love, safety and security. If there is an active addiction, expect denial. It is fine to insist that the husband go to counseling to deal with the issues. It is best to seek out a certified sex addiction specialist or certified sex therapist, even if the wife has to get the ball rolling.
Overall, pornography use is a risky venture that can wreak havoc on a relationship if used in excess. The best way to deal with sexual issues is to talk it out and explore together how to improve your sex life. There are many other healthy options to try that will not put your marriage in danger. Keeping the emotional connection and communication in your marriage is critical. If pornography crops up, it may be viewed as an opportunity to express sexual needs or assess if it is a problem requiring expert help. Do not “sweep it under the rug.” This is one often overlooked addiction that can destroy your marriage if you do not get yourselves back on track.
