Fault finding is the product of lack of love between the husband and wife. Don’t expect your partner to do things the way you like. If you do this, it is pride. You come from different backgrounds with different upbringing. How then would your partner do things exactly the way your family thought you to do it?
When you say ‘it is not the way I was brought up” who told you your up bringing is the best in the whole world? He/she was taught in a different way and so you have to give room for both of you to blend properly together. This needs patience and tolerance.
Maybe you were married to a partner who grew up in a family that managed “face me-i face you” apartment, a family of nine or twelve in a room. Of course, things will be kept at random. For you to marry her and expect her to know how to organize things in the house overnight will be outrageous. Love made you marry her without minding how she kept her things, the same love should make you teach her patently until she changes to your taste or you learn to live with it if you can’t help keep things yourself the way you want them to be kept.
Warning, commanding, bullying will not solve the problem. Why nag about an eating or sleeping habit that you know has been formed over a period of years? It will be a miracle for change to be so spontaneous, you need patience.
Criticism in intimate relationships begins, in most cases, on a small scale and escalates over time. It then moves in a downward spiral with increasing resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense being controlled, and so on.
Contempt expresses the feeling of dislike toward a partner, and implies that the other person is considered worthless and undeserving of respect. Contempt is communication through insults, name-calling, tone of voice, as well as facial expressions. Contempt eats away at a relationship rapidly and painfully.
How to effect change
Start teaching by doing and not mostly by talking, avoids public corrections, or your spouse will withdraw into a shell and won’t be able to come out of it ever. Avoid bullying and nagging even beating. You are making the situation more difficult.
Don’t muse at what you want from your spouse, but communicate it properly and make it clear enough to be understood. Communicate your desire regularly to God, until you see a definite change.
Do not talk about it with bitterness in your heart, talk to your spouse about those faults with the aim of seeing a change and not to tell her how bad or dirty or unimaginable he /she are. Always remember that God is watching you and seeing how you are handling your spouse (Malachi 2: 14-16)
In relationship or Courtship, be honest with yourself
I certainly have seen far too many couples throw in the relationship towel way too early. At the same time, if your relationship is truly toxic, and your partner will not work with you to make changes, then it may be time to leave. Recognizing, and continuing to acknowledge, the persistent signs of a toxic relationship can empower you to get out of it.
Above all, know your value! Prolonging the agony of a truly toxic situation will have deleterious effects on both you and your partner. When possible, see a qualified relationship counselor before making significant relationship decisions. Even if you decide to leave, it is important to learn your role in the toxic relationship dance so you don’t do a repeat performance!